Vampire Owner's Manual

by Tim Forder

As a skirt chasing gambler from the old west, I met a beautiful older woman who made wild passionate love with me and then in the heat of passion turned me into a Vampire!

l wrote this Vampire Owner's Manual for those who have just became one of the honored or is thinking of becoming one of the honored or just want to know more about Vampires.

The Vampire Owner's Manual contains vast knowledge of the Vampire Lore; from proper feeding to staying alive or undead; from Vampire history to Vampire myths and a lot more!

The Vampire Owner's Manual is peppered heavily with personal experience as well as experiences gathered interviewing other Vampires (not an easy task).

When you were born your parents most likely wished you came with an owner's manual. Suddenly you have awaken with a pain in your neck and a ravenous appetite no food will quench; you are having vague memories of "Vampires" from an old movie and you wish you could have a Vampire owner's manual: Well here it is!


So you think you are a VAMPIRE! Really? Tell me, how was that pizza and beer you had for lunch? Was it really great; nice, hot and spicy sweet pizza followed by the superbly splendid, always pleasing cold beer—CLOSE THIS BOOK! YOU’RE NOT A VAMPIRE!

Did that great pizza taste like cardboard and leave you thirsty for a big cold beer? Did you then down that beer, finding yourself still thirsty? Did you follow that up by downing the whole six-pack, still thirsty you followed the first six-pack with another six-pack: The result being that you find yourself still thirsty, sober and wanting for more? Then (Vampire) you had better jump to CHAPTER 1: FEEDING.

(If the pizza tasted like cardboard and the beer quenched your thirst, I would suggest you close this book and stop buying Damino’s Pizza!)


Have you suddenly discovered your eyes are so sensitive to light that you have to wear shades . . . indoors? Did you have to move the pizza away from you because you were overwhelmed by the smell?  I recommend you read CHAPTER 2: LIVING OR UNDEAD—especially before you try going outside in the daylight!

If you do find yourself tormentingly thirsty and your eyesight, hearing and sense of smell eerily sensitive—Congratulations! You’re a VAMPIRE!

"Vampire Owner's Manual" by Tim Forder


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